Thursday, June 17, 2010

Do you have a minute please?

A patient of mine today complained about “relaxation techniques”. That these techniques had in fact become another chore, another thing to add to the “things to do today” list. I commiserated with her, it is in fact no longer a relaxation technique if you don’t feel you have time. But if you have a minute, I can help you…….
The One Minute Meditation:
Find a place where you can sit down quietly and comfortably.
Close your eyes.
Allow your belly to go soft.
Choose a word/ phrase that has meaning to you or a calming effect on you, such as “relax”, “breathe” or “take your time”
Now, as you breathe in and out repeat your chosen word slowly in your head.
When your attention drifts, just bring it back. It is perfectly normal and acceptable for your attention to drift during meditation. This is part of the meditation!

Monday, May 24, 2010

RESOLVE Professionally Led Support Groups-Northern California

Northern California Professionally Led RESOLVE Support groups

Napa in Napa County:Location: Napa Valley Fertility Center:1175 Trancas Street,Napa, CA 94558.I nquire about date and time as a new groups are ongoing and forming Cost: $40 per session. 4 week initial commitment. These weekly support groups will also have confidential support through (voluntary) membership through online network set up by Fenella.For more information, please contact Fenella at 415.717.3216

Petaluma in Sonoma County: General Infertility Support GroupLocation: The Psychotherapy Office of Fenella Das Gupta, New Group forming in Petaluma. Cost: $40 per session. 4week intial commitment.Time: Monday Evenings: 8-9.30 pm. These weekly support groups will also have confidential support through (voluntary) membership through online network set up by Fenella. For more information, please contact Fenella at 415.717.3216

San Rafael in Marin County: General Infertility Support Groups, IVF Cycling and Donor Egg Recipient Support GroupsLocation: The Ama Fertility Center: Fourth Street, Suite 208.San Rafael, CA 94901. Meets weekly Tuesday from 6.PM-7.30 pm.Cost: $40 per session. 4 week initial commitment. These weekly support groups will also have confidential support through (voluntary) membership through online network set up by Fenella.For more information, please contact Fenella at 415.717.3216

Novato in Marin County: General Infertility Support Groups, IVF Cycling and Donor Egg Recipient Support GroupsLocation: The Lane Institute: 101 Rowland Way, Suite 305.Novato, CA 94115. Inquire about date and time as a new groups are ongoing and forming Cost: $40 per session. 4 week initial commitment. These weekly support groups will also have confidential support through (voluntary) membership through online network set up by Fenella.For more information, please contact Fenella at 415.717.3216

San Francisco General Infertility Support Group, IVF Cycling and Donor Egg Recipient Support groups: Inquire about date and time as a new groups are ongoing and forming.For more information, please contact Fenella at 415.717.3216

Thursday, April 29, 2010

How to Argue Effectively; Your New Refrigerator Magnet

How to Argue Effectively; Your New Refrigerator Magnet

Anyone going through fertility treatment understands the concept of “stress” in ways that others may have no clue about. Stress can be as bad for the heart as a regularsmoking habit. It weakens your immune system and causes emotional wounds to take longer to heal.


Arguments during the fertility procedure often revolve around wanting different things. For example, you are ready for IVF and your partner wants to still do one more round of IUI treatment. You find yourself stuck in the same old rant as before with no resolution. Underlying many arguments is a deeper issue; you want your partner to listen to you, you want to be heard, you want your views to be considered.


There are certain rules that can help with arguments that if followed, can lead to
resolution and greater self understanding.


To Resolve Arguments: THE RULES

REMEMBER: When the emotional brain is the ringmaster in an argument, thelogical brain is a disengaged bystander ad you cannot process rationally. In short, you are less forgiving. Therefore:
1. Take a break and agree to return to the topic. Work out:What does take a break look like for each of you? Do you know when you need to step away? What are your body signals? NOTE: when returning to a topic, research has shown that AT LEAST 30 minutes is required as a cooling off period.

2. When you are taking your break away, think about the outcome YOU would like to see
happen. Ask yourself "What is the outcome I would like from this discussion?"Get clear on what you want and be as clear as you can with your partner. Remember, you want your partner to understand what you want.

3. The revisit: TAKE TURNS AND LET YOUR PARTNER SPEAK, YOU MAY ONLY ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS…. You’ll get your turn! Use “I Statements” to state what you want the outcome to be for the discussion. For example:
I Feel------- and I would like to feel-------.
I would like-------- outcome


4. Tell your partner why is this important?Tell your partner why it is important to you. Go into detail about :

How it will help you

What changes in feelings it will bring about for you.

Talk about what you can do for your partner if you get some of what you want.....

remember, you have to give a little to get a little.......

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Living A Childfree Life Starting From A Childless Life

Couples who have struggled with infertility and chosen to end their pursuit of having children are faced with the question “How do I move on from this place?” and “now what?” In truth, moving away from something that has been your focus for so long will take time. The process is slow and gradual. At first, you may feel heavy and tired.Often there is a feeling of emptiness when the hope fades. The onslaught of grief, disorientation and loss that is experienced can feel overwhelming. Wanting to suppress that feeling is a natural response to pain. But in reality suppressing the pain often leads to chronic depression.

So how do you move on? The first step is to secure a good support system. A good support system is characterized by people in your life that will listen without judging, offer encouragement and validate your feelings and what you are going through. A good support system can be found through organizations such as RESOLVE The National Infertility Association, your fertility clinic, support groups run by professionals or peers and even online through fertility blogs. Once found, use them! Talk, talk and talk some more. Try not to judge your feelings, try to respond to them. No feeling is ever bad or wrong. Having a daily check in with family and friends can also help. Ask for what you need. This is a time of much stress and will require a lot of strength as you start to work through all the emotions that you feel.

As you start to move through the feelings the sadness will lift. Redefining your life and identity (together with your partner) then ensues. So what does a life without a child really look like?
A shift in thinking may help here. Laura Carroll, author of Families of Two suggests a “family of two” which implies that you are already a complete unit. Instead of swim meets, soccer practice and homework, in your family there are different chores: getting the dog groomed, planning get-togethers, and having some quiet time for yourself. So consider, what does it mean to be a ‘family of two’ in your household? What would that mean to you if you considered your partner and yourself to be a family unit? A romantic partnership, a trusting friendship; a family.
Along with this, finding new meaning and purpose to your life without the presence of children holds the key to a happy future. Perhaps it’s connecting with your local community, or throwing yourself into a socially conscience activity. May be it’s travel, maybe it’s spiritual development or personal growth work. Whatever you choose, remember that no life is ever empty. Things might not have worked out the way you had planned. You will need to grieve, but the horizon doesn’t have to be bleak. It can be full of potential, because you are full of potential.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Fertility Issues: How to Counter Stress

An Existential Issue
The desire to have and raise children is a fundamental aspect of human nature. In fact, when something goes wrong with fulfilling this stage a crisis can ensue. The very meaning of life may be thrown into question as life plans go awry. Feelings of grief and loss are commonplace, while a sense of shame precipitating old wounds of ‘not being good enough’ may also come up. Throughout the process, couples are stretched to the maximum, both emotionally and financially. Naturally, with eyes on the goal and not the process, anxiety levels are bound to run high. For certain it takes courage and fortitude to proceed further with the roller coaster ride of emotions that ensue.

How We React
You may tend to keep this issue private and away from the extended family. As a result, your relationship will bear the brunt of the infertility experience. Infertility and associated treatments can wreck havoc on intimacy. Your goals shift from sex for pleasure to sex for procreation. Straining the relationship further is the fact that men and women process the experience in different ways. For example, men who typically take on the role of being the provider and protector often find themselves feeling overwhelmed by the intensity of their partner's emotions as well as depressed due to an inability to access much of their own emotions. They find themselves helpless to make this situation better and, as a result, protect themselves by giving off the message that she is "too sensitive about the whole thing”, focusing harder at their work and distancing from their partner. Women who typically take on the role of the emotional caretakers end up taking much of the responsibility for the treatment and scheduling appointments themselves. Trying to keep their emotions in check for fear of being “too sensitive” overwhelm then ensues. If this sounds familiar, then you are probably carrying a lot of stress and feeling isolated. You are not alone. These symptoms are common to many couples and help is here.

How Does Stress affect my Fertility and IVF Treatment?
Distressing emotions can cause stress hormones such as cortisol to go into overdrive. An overproduction of stress hormones can then alter the body’s physiology in ways that are counterproductive to conception and implantation. The physiological response of fight or flight is kicked in. Research has shown that the more stressed a woman feels, the less likely she is to achieve pregnancy. This fact remains true even with the higher-tech infertility treatments such as IVF. The stress that accompanies fertility issues cannot be underestimated as couples repeatedly report that they are often thrown off by the emotional and psychological toll of the experience.

The Stress of Fertility Issues and IVF Cycling Can Be Reduced
Reducing stress keeps the body’s hormones in balance so that there is a greater chance for the desired outcome of pregnancy. There is evidence to suggest that when women are taught to relax and are able to verbalize their concerns, the likelihood of pregnancy rises sharply.

Relaxation and verbalization of feelings is key.

Here are some suggestions to help both partners during the infertility process:
• Communicate openly with each other as much as you can.
• Realize there's no right or wrong way to feel.
• Get in touch with your feelings to help you know what you need. Once what you know what you need, clearly and specifically tell your partner how to help you.
• Ask your partner what she/he needs rather than assuming that you can/cannot give it.
• Recognize the psychological and emotional differences between you.
• See if you can teach each other some of the skills you've learned from your own life experiences.
Try to RESPOND and not REACT

How Do I Rate whether I need help?
Do you feel
• Depressed, angry or anxious?
• Worried about your finances because of treatment?
• Worried about treatment outcome?
• Anxious that friends and family keeping asking?
• Wondering if you chose the right treatment option?
-If you find yourself stuck on or concerned about these issues and have not spoken with a trained professional counselor, then the chances are you are carrying stress that may be alleviated through talk therapy.

How Can Counseling Help Me?
I offer a specific type of therapy for fertility issues known as Client Centered Therapy. By working with me, you will be able to express your worries and concerns, understand your thinking patterns and gain perspective on current events and relationships. Specific relaxation techniques for stress will also be learned. We will work together to alleviate stress as much as possible and improve your emotional well being. All sessions are confidential.

Inquire about Telephone Counseling throughout California or Individual and Support Group counseling and therapy in Sonoma and Marin Counties, California.

Fenella can be reached at 415.717.3216 or by email: fenella@comcast.net
For more information about Fenella and her other services, you can view her other website at www.innermirror.com.She works in Northern California in both Marin and Sonoma Counties.

Professional Organizations and Affiliations:
California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT).
San Francisco Psychotherapy Research Group
APA Division 35; Society for the Psychology of women
American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM)
Professional Member of RESOLVE